It happened this week. Well actually it has been a long time coming, but this week it happened 100% for sure. I hit the wall. Fully and head on I hit that wall of "I can't do this anymore." And guys, it wasn't pretty. I struggled to work all throughout my pregnancy with Jace which was tiring to say the least, even though it was just in the afternoons. And then we didn't have any maternity insurance, and so I had to keep working to pay for all his hospital bills, etc. And that really did not leave any time for a maternity leave either. So I was back working my regular schedule about 2 weeks after little man was born. And it stunk.
And then we decided to sell our house to cut back on our expenses so I could work less. Yay!! Until we had to actually go through the process of listing, showing, selling, packing and moving. And I kept working. And it stunk even more.
And now here we are on the flip side of the big move, mostly unpacked and trying to get back into a good routine after the chaos of the holidays, and I am working every day. And then I go back to the office after the kids go to bed to finish all the paperwork I can't get done during the day, and then I come home exhausted just in time for bed. And then Jace hasn't slept through the night once yet since he has been born, and people, I am TIRED. Tired of being tired. Tired of being cranky, and irritable, and stressed out and overwhelmed. And then since I have been so stressed, Jace has decided to quit nursing well and that in and of itself has been a HUGE stress on top of everything else.
And today I can honestly say...."I can't do it all anymore." And it kills me to write those words. I am not a quitter, and I don't give up. I get it done if it needs doing. But I can't hold it all together anymore and the ones who are suffering are my family, and I am not ok with that. So today I quit my job. And I quit nursing too. Sigh. That is a lot of quitting for me, and a lot of change too. But it's going to be ok, because I am going to start taking care of myself and then I can get back to taking care of everyone else like I want to. Ok, so I was a little dramatic there...I didn't actually quit my job, but I did tell my boss I needed a break, and she agreed. So on Monday, I will start my official maternity leave, which I should have been smart enough to just take when I had the baby and maybe I wouldn't be at this point today, but whatever. She told me not to come back for at least 2 months, and to take off until this fall if I needed. And then I can come back and pick right back up once I feel refreshed and can handle things better. How amazingly awesome is that??!! I feel so relieved just thinking about not having to run out of the door the minute Silas walks in I can't stand it:) I am already plotting and making lists of all the fun things I am going to do with my family once we actually get to spend some time together in the afternoons!! I love it.
So I have done the hard part and admitted I can't juggle everything I was trying to juggle, and now the even harder part comes at letting go of worrying about money and not having enough if I don't work ,yada yada yada, and just resting, and recovering, and knowing that God will take care of me and my family no matter what. And that it is not all up to me to make it all work. I know it will be ok and I choose to rest in that today and in the days to come. So here I come maternity leave. I am more than ready to love on my sweet baby and all my boys and enjoy being with them, and not stress out if we stay in our pj's all day and I don't get a shower, because I don't have anywhere to be but at home. Home sweet home:)