Running Reflections
This may get long....sorry!
Anyway, I have a lot going through my mind lately so I wanted to blog it so I can remember this journey. Do you ever have days where you wake up and say...who am I and how did this get to be my life??!! I have been thinking that a lot lately, but in a good way. I have noticed that I say things like "Look at my cute new spandex running pants." WHAT?? or "Check out these new pink and purple running shirts I just got" again WHAT!!!! Or how about "I need you to run to Gearhead on your way home and grab me some Gu's for my race this weekend." Who says things like that?!! I have just started to realize that so many things have changed in my life, and at first I thought it all felt foreign, but I am coming to the realization that it feels....comfortable. I have been lost for so many years and I knew it, but I didn't know how to find myself again. I finally feel like I have come home, and it is an overwhelming feeling.
Do you know how long Silas knew me as an athlete? 4 minutes. I played for 4 minutes in my first soccer game as a senior before I tore my ACL, and he never saw me play again. Sports have defined me my entire life. I was the athlete in the family, I played sports 365 days a year, year in and year out. And in September 2001 that was taken away from me in an instant. I thought I was ok with that since what do you do once you are out of college anyway and there aren't many opportunities for competitive sports? I was a newly wed in May of 2002, and entered the workforce full time. I tried to be a good wife, and housekeeper, and social worker. I cooked and cleaned and tried to embrace my new roles. And as the years went by I started to feel more and more lost as something that was such a huge part of me was fading away. And then I became a mom in July 2007 and have been on a wonderful adventure raising my two precious little boys. But I felt more lost than ever. Some days these past few years I have looked around and just wondered, who am I?? And the problem is that I was trying to be someone and something that I am not. I thought I should like trying new recipes and cooking dinner....but I didn't. And it has finally hit me over the head full force lately. I don't like to cook, I like to compete. I don't like to sew and do crafts, I like to sweat. I am an athlete, and I had forgotten who I was for so many years. I have tried to be all kinds of other things, but that is what I love and a huge part of me that has been missing from my life. And I have found it again this year, and my heart is full! And the best part is that I am finally getting to show Silas who I am and be proud of that. And he has been the most loving, encouraging and supportive person ever during the past eight months. I could not have done any of this without him. I feel so much more alive lately, and content, and confident, and less stressed out that I have in years. I am still struggling with labels, and find it very hard to consider myself a "runner." But I just love sports, and running, and biking, and swimming, and those are all things I can do at this stage in my life. I get to compete again, and have fun, and I am LOVING it!!!
I know this is all random and jumbled, but I had to get it out somehow. I am so thankful for so many things this year, and for all the ways I have been blessed. I have an amazing husband and children who love me and support me and are always there to cheer me on. I am still slowly adjusting to all these changes in my schedule and life, and once again trying to figure out how to balance being a mom, wife, worker, friend, athlete and all the other many roles I play on a daily basis. I am a little overwhelmed at it all, but in a good way. I am happy. And I'M BACK!!!
Anyway, I have a lot going through my mind lately so I wanted to blog it so I can remember this journey. Do you ever have days where you wake up and say...who am I and how did this get to be my life??!! I have been thinking that a lot lately, but in a good way. I have noticed that I say things like "Look at my cute new spandex running pants." WHAT?? or "Check out these new pink and purple running shirts I just got" again WHAT!!!! Or how about "I need you to run to Gearhead on your way home and grab me some Gu's for my race this weekend." Who says things like that?!! I have just started to realize that so many things have changed in my life, and at first I thought it all felt foreign, but I am coming to the realization that it feels....comfortable. I have been lost for so many years and I knew it, but I didn't know how to find myself again. I finally feel like I have come home, and it is an overwhelming feeling.
Do you know how long Silas knew me as an athlete? 4 minutes. I played for 4 minutes in my first soccer game as a senior before I tore my ACL, and he never saw me play again. Sports have defined me my entire life. I was the athlete in the family, I played sports 365 days a year, year in and year out. And in September 2001 that was taken away from me in an instant. I thought I was ok with that since what do you do once you are out of college anyway and there aren't many opportunities for competitive sports? I was a newly wed in May of 2002, and entered the workforce full time. I tried to be a good wife, and housekeeper, and social worker. I cooked and cleaned and tried to embrace my new roles. And as the years went by I started to feel more and more lost as something that was such a huge part of me was fading away. And then I became a mom in July 2007 and have been on a wonderful adventure raising my two precious little boys. But I felt more lost than ever. Some days these past few years I have looked around and just wondered, who am I?? And the problem is that I was trying to be someone and something that I am not. I thought I should like trying new recipes and cooking dinner....but I didn't. And it has finally hit me over the head full force lately. I don't like to cook, I like to compete. I don't like to sew and do crafts, I like to sweat. I am an athlete, and I had forgotten who I was for so many years. I have tried to be all kinds of other things, but that is what I love and a huge part of me that has been missing from my life. And I have found it again this year, and my heart is full! And the best part is that I am finally getting to show Silas who I am and be proud of that. And he has been the most loving, encouraging and supportive person ever during the past eight months. I could not have done any of this without him. I feel so much more alive lately, and content, and confident, and less stressed out that I have in years. I am still struggling with labels, and find it very hard to consider myself a "runner." But I just love sports, and running, and biking, and swimming, and those are all things I can do at this stage in my life. I get to compete again, and have fun, and I am LOVING it!!!
I know this is all random and jumbled, but I had to get it out somehow. I am so thankful for so many things this year, and for all the ways I have been blessed. I have an amazing husband and children who love me and support me and are always there to cheer me on. I am still slowly adjusting to all these changes in my schedule and life, and once again trying to figure out how to balance being a mom, wife, worker, friend, athlete and all the other many roles I play on a daily basis. I am a little overwhelmed at it all, but in a good way. I am happy. And I'M BACK!!!
posted by Lauren at
8:11 AM
3 Comments:
I totally get what you are saying...When I started running last year I felt better about myself than I have in a really long time. I felt more confident and actually felt pretty again. When I got pregnant I would get dizzy when I ran, so I quit. My mood went downhill in a hurry. I started getting back into it today and have felt wonderful! It will be a long road back though!
You are always so open and honest on your blog. Thank you so much for sharing your heart.
I've always known you as the athlete too, and it sounds very natural to hear you talking about sports again...and good:) You are still my sweaty/ponytail Gimpy big sis, and I'm so proud of you!
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